Values: Part Three of Five Blog Series
How over-relying on one “good” value creates unexpected problems—and why you need a portfolio approach.
Meet Bongani, the achievement machine. Twenty years of climbing every ladder—valedictorian, cum laude, youngest VP in company history. His LinkedIn reads like a success masterclass.
His wife left him two years ago. “She said I was more in love with my accomplishments than with her,” Bongani reflects. “Every conversation became about my next goal. I thought I was being inspiring. She felt ignored.”
Meet Tanya, the ultimate family woman. Every decision flowed through one filter: “What’s best for my family?” She turned down promotions, declined girls’ trips, and stopped her photography hobby—all for family time.
She also couldn’t remember the last time she felt like herself. “I looked in the mirror one day and realised I had no idea who Tanya was outside of being mom and wife. I’d disappeared as a person.”
Bongani and Tanya represent the most dangerous trap in pursuing happiness: the single-value addiction. They took genuinely good values—achievement, family devotion—and used them to solve every psychological need. The result? Success in one area, devastation in others.
The Portfolio Principle
Think of your values like an investment portfolio. Financial advisors’ golden rule: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Even the best investment becomes dangerous when it’s your only investment.
Your psychological well-being works the same way. When you try to satisfy all three fundamental hungers—autonomy, belonging, competency—with just one favourite value, you create “value rigidity.” It’s like eating a diet of only apples. Apples are healthy, but if you live on them alone, you’ll develop serious nutritional deficiencies.
Here’s what makes this trap insidious: Your favourite value is probably genuinely good. Achievement drives progress. Family creates love. Independence builds strength. The problem isn’t the value—it’s the over-reliance on it.
The Achievement Trap: When Success Becomes Prison
Bongani’s achievement value served him brilliantly initially. It drove him through school, launched his career, and built his reputation. Achievement fed his competency hunger—he felt capable, practical, and constantly growing.
But achievement is terrible at feeding belonging. In fact, it often conflicts with it:
- Achievement focuses on personal goals; belonging focuses on others
- Achievement celebrates individual performance; belonging values group harmony
- Achievement drives competition; belonging needs collaboration
- Achievement measures worth through accomplishments; belonging values people for who they are
Bongani’s achievement addiction made every relationship transactional. Friendships became networking. Family time was scheduled between work. Even conversations with his wife centred on his professional challenges rather than a genuine connection.
“I treated my marriage like a business partnership,” Bongani admits. “I thought providing financially was how I showed love. I was shocked when she felt lonely. I was right there! But I was physically present, emotionally absent.”
Achievement trap symptoms:
- Feeling empty after big wins
- Relationships feel shallow—people only know your accomplishments
- Rest feels like laziness
- Self-worth depends on external validation
The People-Pleasing Trap: When Belonging Becomes Self-Erasure
Tanya’s family-first value fed her belonging hunger magnificently. She felt connected, needed, purposeful. But over-reliance on belonging slowly starved her autonomy and competency.
The belonging-autonomy conflict:
- Belonging considers others’ needs; autonomy honours your own
- Belonging seeks group harmony; autonomy values individual expression
- Belonging fears disappointing others; autonomy accepts you can’t please everyone
Tanya filtered every decision through everyone else’s preferences except her own. She lost touch with individual desires, talents, and dreams. Her photography equipment gathered dust while family needs “always came first.”
“I became the family martyr,” Tanya realises. “I thought sacrifice was love. But martyrs are exhausting to live with. My husband encouraged me to have my own interests because he could see I was disappearing.”
By avoiding anything that took time from family, Tanya stopped growing individually. No new skills, no challenges, no mastery in personal interests. Her world shrank even as family relationships grew stronger.
Belonging trap symptoms:
- Guilt over anything “selfish” (including self-care)
- Not knowing what you want because you focus on what others need
- Feeling lost when your role changes
- Inability to say no without guilt
The Independence Trap: When Freedom Becomes Isolation
Tim, a successful freelance consultant, values independence above all. He works when he wants, travels where he chooses, and answers to no one. His autonomy hunger is satiated.
He’s also profoundly lonely and professionally stagnated.
“I can work from a beach in Thailand,” Tim says, “but I have no one to share the sunset with. Complete freedom, but no one who cares about my choices.”
The independence-belonging conflict:
- Independence requires self-reliance; belonging requires interdependence
- Independence values personal freedom; belonging values commitment
- Independence avoids constraints; belonging accepts them for connection
Tim’s independence addiction made him allergic to anything constraining, including relationships and collaborations that could feed his other hungers. He turned down partnerships that might grow his business and avoided serious relationships requiring compromise.
Without colleagues to challenge him, mentors to guide growth, or teams for bigger projects, Tim’s development plateaued. Independence gave freedom but limited impact and growth.
Why No Single Value Can Do It All
Here’s the fundamental problem:
- Values That Excel at Autonomy: Self-direction, Independence, Authenticity
- Values That Excel at Belonging: Family/Love, Community, Loyalty
Values That Excel at Competency: Achievement, Excellence, Learning
Each cluster feeds one need powerfully while potentially starving others. Even seemingly balanced values have limitations:
- Achievement feeds competency, but can make relationships transactional
- Community feeds belonging but can limit individual choice
- Independence maxes autonomy but often creates isolation
The Diagnostic: Is Your Favourite Value Sabotaging You?
The Optimisation Test: Do you solve every problem with your favourite value?
- Feeling disconnected? “I just need to achieve more.”
- Work dissatisfaction? “I need more family time.”
- Feeling stuck? “I need more freedom.”
The Identity Fusion Test: Has your identity merged with one value?
- “I am an achiever” (vs. “I value achievement”)
- “I am a family person” (vs. “I value family”)
The Anxiety Test: What happens when you can’t express your favourite value?
- Achievement-addicted: Panic when not working toward goals
- Belonging-addicted: Extreme anxiety when people are upset
- Independence-addicted: Claustrophobia from obligations
The Recovery: What Balance Looks Like
Bongani’s rebalancing: Still pursues professional goals but includes relationship metrics in his success definition. Schedules phone-free time with his daughter. Joined a hiking group for friendship, not networking.
Tanya’s renaissance: Still prioritises family, but expanded what that meant. The photography side of the business feeds creativity. Realising that showing her children a mother with her own growth made her a better role model.
Tim’s integration: Kept independence but made it intentional rather than reactive. Formed strategic partnerships that enhanced rather than constrained work. Reframed commitment as a daily choice, not a trap.
The Portfolio Approach
The solution isn’t abandoning your favourite value—it’s building a supporting cast around it. Your primary value is the lead actor, but even the best lead needs strong support to create a compelling story.
- If you’re achievement-oriented: Add belonging values (deep friendships, community) and autonomy values (pursuing joy, not just advancement).
- If you’re relationship-focused: Add competency values (skill development, challenges) and autonomy values (maintaining individual identity).
- If you’re independence-minded: Add belonging values (meaningful partnerships) and competency values (collaborative impact).
Next week, we’ll explore the practical art of making different values work together harmoniously. Because building a value portfolio is one thing—orchestrating it is another skill entirely.
Your assignment: Honestly assess if you’re over-relying on one value. Look at three areas where you feel stuck. Could diversifying your approach help?
Remember: Your favourite value isn’t the problem. Expecting it to solve everything when it was never designed to work alone—that’s the problem.
Next week: “The Art of Value Harmony—How to Make Your Values Play Nice Together”