Values: Part Five of a Five Blog Series
Why value conflicts are actually growth opportunities—and the toolkit for making decisions you won’t regret
It’s 2 am, and Michael hasn’t slept. His best friend of twenty years asked him to lie to his wife about where he was last weekend. Not a harmless white lie—a cover story for something that could destroy his friend’s marriage if discovered.Michael’s loyalty value is screaming: “He’s your brother in every way but blood. Friends protect each other. He needs you.”His honesty value is equally loud: “You don’t lie. Ever. Especially not something this serious that could hurt someone else.”There’s no harmony here. No clever orchestration where both values get satisfied. No matter what Michael chooses, he violates something he deeply believes in. This isn’t a scheduling conflict—it’s a value war, and someone’s getting hurt.
Welcome to the most challenging part of conscious living: moments when your values don’t just compete—they directly, irreconcilably conflict. When honouring one means betraying another. When there’s no “right” answer, only the one you’ll have to live with.
Why Value Conflicts Are Features, Not Bugs
Before we dive into how to navigate these wars, let’s reframe what’s happening. Most people experience value conflicts as failures—evidence they haven’t figured life out, haven’t found the “right” values, or haven’t achieved enough wisdom. That’s completely backward.
Value conflicts are actually signs of psychological maturity and integrity. Here’s why:
- The Growth Engine: Conflicts force you to clarify what matters most under pressure. It’s easy to say you value both honesty and loyalty when they’re not competing. It’s only when they clash that you discover which one sits deeper in your soul. Value conflicts are like stress tests for your identity—they reveal your true priorities.
- The Integrity Test: People without value conflicts fall into two categories: those who’ve never thought deeply about their values, and those who’ve only developed one value. Neither is particularly admirable. Genuine integrity creates internal tension because you’ve developed multiple authentic commitments. The conflict means you’re taking both values seriously.
- The Wisdom Builder: Every resolved value conflict becomes data for future decisions. Each time you navigate these impossible choices, you develop what philosophers call “practical wisdom”—the ability to make nuanced judgments in complex situations. You can’t learn this from books; you only know it by wrestling with real conflicts.
Think of value conflicts like going to the gym. The discomfort of lifting heavy weights isn’t a sign something’s wrong—it’s the mechanism that builds strength. Value conflicts build psychological and ethical muscle.
The Five Types of Value Wars
Not all conflicts are created equal. Understanding which type you’re facing helps you choose the right decision-making strategy.
Type 1: The Direct Opposition (Loyalty vs. Honesty): Two values point in opposite directions. Michael’s dilemma is classic: loyalty demands one action, honesty demands the opposite. No middle ground exists. Common examples:
- Honesty vs. Kindness (truth that will hurt someone)
- Achievement vs. Family (career opportunity vs. family time)
- Justice vs. Mercy (holding someone accountable vs. showing compassion)
Type 2: The Zero-Sum Competition (Limited Resources): Multiple good values compete for the same limited resource (usually time, energy, or money). You can’t fully honour all of them simultaneously. Example: Sarah has one Saturday. Her sister needs help moving (Family), she promised to volunteer at the food bank (Community), and she desperately needs rest (Self-care/Health). All are legitimate values, but she can’t clone herself.
Type 3: The Identity Crisis (Who Am I Becoming?): Values that define different versions of who you might be. The conflict isn’t about external constraints—it’s about fundamental identity direction. Example: James must choose between staying in his hometown near family or moving to a city that better supports his career and personal identity. Both options represent different but valid versions of himself. This isn’t a scheduling problem—it’s an identity fork in the road.
Type 4: The Principle vs. Relationship Conflict: A relationship requires you to compromise a core principle, or maintaining your principle damages a vital relationship. Example: Your family expects you at every holiday gathering (Loyalty, Family), but these gatherings regularly include racist comments you find intolerable (Justice, Authenticity). Standing up for your principles damages family harmony; staying silent violates your integrity.
Type 5: The Present vs. Future Self Conflict: What serves your current values conflicts with what your future self will need. Example: The 30-year-old who values adventure and freedom (Autonomy) vs. the 60-year-old who will value financial security (Stability). Spending freely now serves present values but may violate future ones.
The Decision-Making Toolkit
When values genuinely conflict, these frameworks help you make decisions you can live with—not perfect decisions (those don’t exist in value wars), but choices aligned with your deepest self.
Tool 1: The Hierarchy Method (What Ranks Highest Under Pressure?)
The Process: Ask yourself: “If I could only keep one of these values for the rest of my life, which would it be?”
This isn’t about which value is “better”—it’s about which sits deepest in your particular soul. Some people would always choose honesty over harmony. Others would always choose compassion over justice. Neither is wrong; they’re different authentic hierarchies.
Michael’s Application: After hours of agonising, Michael realises his honesty value sits deeper than his loyalty value. “I love my friend, but I can’t be someone who lies about something this serious. If I do this, I’m not the person I thought I was.”
Michael told his friend he couldn’t provide the alibi. The friendship strained—but Michael could look at himself in the mirror. His value hierarchy guided him to a choice aligned with his core identity.
Tool 2: The 10-Year Regret Test (Future Self Wisdom)
The Process: Imagine yourself 10 years from now, looking back at this decision. Which choice would cause more profound regret?
This isn’t about avoiding all regret (impossible in value conflicts) but about choosing the regret you can live with versus the one that would corrode your soul.
Bongiwe’s Career Decision (from last week): “If I take the job and my parents have a health crisis I can’t help with, will I regret the career move? Yes. But if I turn down this opportunity and never get another chance at meaningful work, will I resent my parents and myself? Absolutely. The first regret I could live with; the second would poison everything.”
Bongiwe chose the hybrid solution because both extreme regrets felt unbearable. When full regret-avoidance isn’t possible, minimise the soul-corroding type.
Tool 3: The Identity Question (Who Am I Becoming?)
The Process: Ask: “Which choice moves me toward the person I want to become versus keeps me as the person I’ve been?”
This is especially powerful for Type 3 (Identity Crisis) conflicts.
James’s Hometown Dilemma: “Staying near family maintains my identity as ‘the loyal son who never leaves.’ Moving to the city supports my identity as ‘someone who pursues authentic growth and community.’ Both are valid, but only one feels like forward movement for who I’m becoming.”
James moved. The guilt was real, but so was the sense that he was finally authoring his own story rather than staying in a role others expected. His family eventually understood—or didn’t, but James could live with that because he was living as his authentic self.
Tool 4: The Values Integration Check (Can I Honour Both Partially?)
The Process: Before accepting the whole conflict, ask: “Is there any way to honour both values to some degree, even if neither gets 100%?”
Sarah’s Saturday Dilemma: Full conflict seemed inevitable—three obligations, one day. But Sarah got creative:
- Helped sister move for 3 hours in the morning (Family honoured partially)
- Skipped volunteering but donated extra money to the food bank (Community honoured differently)
- Protected her afternoon for complete rest (Self-care honoured fully)
Not perfect, but all three values got some recognition. Sometimes, 60% of each value beats 100% of one and 0% of others.
Tool 5: The Stakeholder Consideration (Who Else Is Affected?)
The Process: Map who’s impacted by each choice and how significantly.
The Principle vs. Relationship Conflict: One person feeling uncomfortable at racist holiday comments vs. family members being actively harmed by those comments vs. maintaining family connection.
Sometimes seeing the full stakeholder map clarifies priorities. If your presence at the gathering implicitly endorses harm to others (even absent ones), Authenticity and Justice might outweigh Family loyalty.
The Process for Navigating Value Wars
When facing genuine conflict, work through this sequence:
1. Name the conflict clearly: “This is my Honesty value versus my Loyalty value” (not just “I feel conflicted”)
2. Identify the conflict type: Direct opposition? Zero-sum competition? Identity crisis?
3. Apply relevant tools:
- Hierarchy Method for direct oppositions
- 10-Year Regret Test for high-stakes decisions
- Identity Question for directional choices
- Integration Check before accepting full conflict
- Stakeholder Consideration for decisions affecting others
4. Make the decision consciously: Choose deliberately, not by default or avoidance. Own your choice.
5. Accept the cost: Value conflicts mean something you care about gets violated. Feel the grief, guilt, or loss without second-guessing. The discomfort is the price of integrity, not evidence of wrong choice.
6. Harvest the wisdom: After resolution, reflect: What did this teach me about my hierarchy? About who I’m becoming? This data informs future decisions.
Permission to Evolve Your Hierarchy
Here’s crucial permission: Your value hierarchy can change, and that’s not weakness—it’s growth.
The 25-year-old who valued Achievement above all might become the 45-year-old who values Family highest. The 30-year-old who prioritised Independence might become the 50-year-old who values Community most. Life experiences reshape what sits deepest in your soul. When your hierarchy shifts, you’re not betraying your former self—you’re honouring your evolved self. The key is making these shifts consciously rather than drifting unconsciously.
The Complete System: Your Five-Week Journey
Over these five weeks, we’ve built a complete framework:
Week 1: Your values are your emotional thermostat, automatically regulating how you feel about everything Week 2: You have three fundamental hungers (autonomy, belonging, competency) that must all be fed Week 3: Over-relying on one favorite value, even a good one, starves your other hungers Week 4: Value harmony requires conscious conducting—orchestrating when each value leads Week 5: Value conflicts, though painful, are growth opportunities requiring decision-making tools
Your Ongoing Practice
Monthly Value Check-In:
- Which hungers are well-fed? Which are starving?
- Is one value dominating at others’ expense?
- Have I faced any value conflicts recently? What did they teach me?
Quarterly Hierarchy Review:
- Has my value hierarchy shifted?
- Am I making decisions aligned with current priorities or outdated ones?
- What does my future self need me to prioritise now?
Annual Big Questions:
- Am I living according to my authentic values or inherited/expected ones?
- Which values need more expression in my life?
- What structures could better support my value portfolio?
The Final Truth
You now have something most people never develop: a conscious system for understanding your emotions and making fulfilling choices. You understand that your emotional reactions are information from your value thermostat. You know your three psychological hungers must all be fed. You recognise the single-value trap. You can orchestrate harmony when possible. You have tools for navigating genuine conflicts.
But here’s what matters most: You’re no longer at the mercy of seemingly random emotions or impossible decisions. You have a framework for understanding yourself and a toolkit for living deliberately.
Your values aren’t controlling you—you’re consciously working with them to build a life that feels authentically, satisfyingly yours.
The next time you feel that emotional tug-of-war, that sense of being pulled in opposite directions, you’ll know exactly what’s happening and how to navigate it.
Welcome to conscious living. Welcome to being the conductor of your own orchestra. Welcome to making values work for you instead of being torn apart by them.
The journey doesn’t end here—it’s just beginning. Keep practising. Keep noticing. Keep conducting. Your most fulfilling life is the one where you understand and honour what matters most to you.