Values: Part Two
And why most people are unknowingly starving at least one of them
What does success truly mean in a world where appearances can be deceiving? Meet Thembi, a 35-year-old marketing director who, by all external measures, has “made it.” With a six-figure salary, a corner office, and an impressive title, she embodies the dream of financial security that her parents could only fantasise about. Her LinkedIn profile reads like a success story, and her friends often comment on how “lucky” she is. Yet, behind the façade of accolades and achievements lies a complex reality that challenges the very definition of success. So why does she cry in her car after work most days?
Thembi’s story isn’t unique. She represents millions of people who’ve achieved what they thought they wanted, only to discover that success without fulfilment feels hollow. They’ve been feeding one part of their psychological system while unknowingly starving the other parts—like trying to survive on protein alone while neglecting carbohydrates and healthy fats.
The human psyche, it turns out, has three fundamental hungers that must be satisfied for genuine well-being. Neglect any one of them, and your emotional thermostat starts sending distress signals, no matter how impressive your achievements look from the outside.
The Three-Legged Stool of Human Flourishing
Imagine your psychological well-being as a three-legged stool. Each leg represents a fundamental need that, when satisfied, keeps you balanced and thriving. Remove any one leg, and the whole structure becomes wobbly, leaving you feeling off-kilter and dissatisfied, even when everything else in your life looks perfect on paper.
These three legs aren’t luxury items or nice-to-haves. They’re as essential to your mental health as vitamins are to your physical health. And just like vitamins, you can’t manufacture them out of thin air or substitute one for another indefinitely.
Let’s meet your three psychological hungers:
Hunger 1: Autonomy – The Captain of Your Ship
Autonomy is your deep need to feel like the captain of your own ship rather than a passenger on someone else’s voyage. It’s the hunger to author your own story, make genuine choices, and feel that your life direction comes from your authentic self rather than external pressure.
Think of Mary, a talented software engineer who turned down a lucrative position at Google to freelance from her tiny studio apartment. Her parents thought she’d lost her mind—giving up security, benefits, and prestige for uncertainty. But Maya valued something her parents couldn’t see: the ability to choose her projects, set her own schedule, work in pyjamas if she wanted, and say no to clients whose values didn’t align with hers.
“My corporate job paid twice as much,” Mary explains, “but I felt like a well-paid prisoner. Every day was scheduled for me, every decision filtered through three layers of management, every creative impulse buried under corporate protocol. I was successful but slowly suffocating.”
Signs you’re autonomy-starved:
- Feeling controlled or micromanaged, even in well-intentioned relationships
- Resentment toward obligations that feel imposed rather than chosen
- That trapped feeling, like you’re living someone else’s version of your life
- Making good money but feeling like you’ve sold your soul
- Constant fantasies about “if only I could just…”
Quick autonomy wins:
- Choose your own morning routine instead of rushing through the “should-dos”
- Say no to one obligation this week that doesn’t align with your values
- Make one decision based purely on your preference, not others’ expectations
- Create a small space (even just a corner) that’s entirely yours to control
Mary’s freelance income varies, but her autonomy hunger is finally fed. “I’d rather eat ramen while controlling my destiny than steak while someone else controls my days,” she says. Her emotional thermostat went from constant low-level stress to energised satisfaction.
Hunger 2: Belonging – Your Emotional Tribe
Belonging is your fundamental need to feel genuinely connected to others—not just socially networked, but emotionally understood and valued for who you truly are. It’s the hunger for your tribe, your people, your sense of “home” in human relationships.
Consider Marcus, a remote software developer who tripled his productivity working from home during the pandemic. His performance reviews were stellar, his work-life balance improved, and he saved hours of commuting time. Logically, remote work was perfect. Emotionally, he was dying inside.
“I was more productive than ever but felt like I was disappearing,” Marcus recalls. “Slack messages aren’t conversations. Zoom calls aren’t coffee breaks with colleagues. I realised I wasn’t just working—I was isolating. My competency needs were being met, but my belonging hunger was being completely ignored.”
Marcus took a R15,000 pay cut to return to an office environment. “My friends thought I was crazy to give up remote work flexibility. But I needed the casual hallway conversations, the shared eye-rolls during boring meetings, the feeling that I was part of something bigger than my laptop screen.”
Signs you’re belonging-starved:
- Success feels hollow because no one truly gets it
- Achievements go uncelebrated because you don’t have your “people”
- Surface-level social interactions leave you feeling lonelier afterwards
- People can surround you and still feel fundamentally alone
- Imposter syndrome—feeling like you don’t really fit anywhere
Quick belonging wins:
- Have one genuine conversation this week instead of just pleasant small talk
- Share something fundamental about yourself with someone you trust
- Join an activity based on genuine interest, not networking
- Reach out to someone you’ve been missing instead of just thinking about them
Marcus now has work friends who understand his projects, inside jokes that make Mondays bearable, and colleagues who notice when he’s having a rough day. His belonging hunger is fed, and his overall life satisfaction soared despite the pay cut.
Hunger 3: Competency – The Growth Edge
Competency is the need to feel capable, effective, and continuously growing. It’s not about being the best at everything—it’s about that satisfying sense that you’re developing mastery, making a meaningful impact, and pushing against your learning edge.
Dr Sarah Chen spent fifteen years becoming an expert cardiologist. She could perform complex procedures in her sleep, had earned the respect of colleagues, and saved hundreds of lives. She was undeniably competent. So why did she feel bored and restless?
“I realised I hadn’t learned anything genuinely new in three years,” she explains. “I was competent, but I wasn’t growing. My competency hunger wasn’t being fed—it was just being maintained on life support.”
Dr Chen started volunteering to teach medical students one day a week. Suddenly, she was learning again—not just medical techniques, but teaching methods, how to communicate complex concepts, how to inspire the next generation of doctors.
“Teaching forced me back onto my growth edge,” she says. “Every question from a student made me think differently about procedures I’d done thousands of times. I was competent AND growing again.”
Signs you’re competency-starved:
- Boredom despite being good at what you do
- Lack of challenge—you could do your job with your eyes closed
- No sense of progress or development, just maintenance
- Feeling like your skills are stagnating or becoming obsolete
- Work feels meaningless because you’re not making a real impact
Quick competency wins:
- Learn one new skill related to something you care about
- Take on a project that’s slightly above your current ability level
- Teach someone else something you know well
- Set a specific, measurable goal that will stretch your capabilities
Dr. Chen’s days now include cutting-edge surgery AND the challenge of developing young minds. Her competency hunger is satisfied on two levels: maintaining expertise and continuously growing.
The Three-Hunger Health Check
Here’s a simple diagnostic to assess which of your psychological hungers might be undernourished:
AUTONOMY CHECK:
- Do you feel like you have meaningful choices in your daily life?
- Are you living according to your own values and priorities?
- Do you feel free to express your authentic self in essential relationships?
- Can you say “no” without guilt when something doesn’t align with you?
BELONGING CHECK:
- Do you have people who genuinely know and accept the real you?
- Do you feel part of something meaningful beyond yourself?
- Are there people you can be completely honest with?
- Do you feel like you matter to others beyond what you can do for them?
COMPETENCY CHECK:
- Are you learning and growing regularly?
- Do you feel effective and capable in areas that matter to you?
- Are you making progress toward meaningful goals?
- Does your work/activity feel impactful and worthwhile?
If you answered “no” or “not really” to most questions in any category, that hunger is likely being neglected—regardless of how successful you might appear in other areas.
The Thembi Plot Twist
Remember Thembi from our opening story? Her breakdown wasn’t about career failure—it was about hunger imbalance. Her job fed her competency needs (challenging work, professional growth, financial achievement) but starved her autonomy (rigid corporate culture, little creative control) and belonging (competitive environment, surface-level relationships).
Thembi eventually negotiated a hybrid work arrangement that gave her more autonomy, joined a community hiking group that fed her belonging needs, and started mentoring younger employees, which added a new dimension to her competency growth. Same job, transformed experience, because all three hungers were finally being addressed.
The Starvation Trap Most People Fall Into
Here’s the trap that catches most people: They try to feed all three hungers with their favourite value or their strongest skill:
- The high achiever thinks more success will fix everything.
- The people-pleaser believes better relationships will solve all problems.
- The independence-lover assumes more freedom is the answer to every issue.
But psychological nutrition doesn’t work that way. You can’t survive on protein alone, no matter how high-quality it is. You need a balanced diet of all three psychological nutrients.
Next week, I’m going to show you why this starvation trap is so common and so devastating. We’ll explore how over-relying on one favourite value—even a good one—can actually sabotage your happiness and create unexpected problems in your life.
Because once you understand that you have three hungers that must be fed, the next question becomes: How do you build a life that nourishes all three instead of just the one that’s easiest for you?
Your assignment this week: Use the Three-Hunger Health Check above to honestly assess which of your psychological needs are thriving and which are being neglected. Notice—without judgment—where the imbalances are.
Pay attention to moments when you feel most satisfied and energised. Chances are, those are times when at least two of your three hungers are being fed simultaneously.
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