Values: Part Four of a Five Blog Series
The practical art of orchestrating multiple values so they enhance rather than undermine your life
Bongiwe sits in her principal’s office, staring at the letter in her hands. It’s her dream job offer—head of curriculum development for an innovative charter school network. Everything she’s worked toward for fifteen years. Better pay, more influence, and the chance to shape education for thousands of students.There’s just one problem: It requires relocating 500 miles away from her ageing parents. Her achievement value is screaming, “Yes! This is what you’ve trained for!” Her family value is equally loud: “You can’t abandon your parents when they need you most.” Her authenticity value chimes in: “Whatever you choose, make sure it’s genuinely yours, not what others expect.”
Bongiwe’s dilemma isn’t unusual—it’s universal. Once you understand that you need a diverse value portfolio, the next question becomes urgent: How do you make these different values work together instead of tearing you apart?
The Orchestra Metaphor: You Are the Conductor
Think of your values as instruments in an orchestra. A violin is beautiful. So is a trumpet. So is a drum. But if they all try to play their loudest notes simultaneously without coordination, you don’t get music—you get noise. The secret to orchestral beauty isn’t silencing instruments or choosing only one to play. It’s about conducting them—knowing when each instrument should lead, when it should support, and when it should rest. The violin doesn’t play during the entire symphony, and neither does the trumpet. They take turns, they complement each other, and together they create something no single instrument could produce alone.
You are the conductor of your value orchestra. The question isn’t which value to eliminate—it’s which value should take the lead in this particular situation.
The Three Levels of Value Harmony
Level 1: Sequential Harmony (Different Values for Different Seasons)
The simplest form of value harmony is taking turns—letting different values dominate during different life phases or times of day. Life Phase Examples:
20s-30s: The Building Phase
- Lead values: Achievement, Learning, Self-Direction
- Primary focus: Building autonomy and competency
- Supporting values: Relationships exist but don’t dominate decisions
30s-40s: The Establishment Phase
- Lead values: Achievement, Excellence, Family
- Primary focus: Solidifying career while deepening primary relationships
- Supporting values: Community involvement begins, and authenticity becomes more important
40s-50s: The Deepening Phase
- Lead values: Excellence, Family, Community
- Primary focus: Mastery and meaningful belonging
- Supporting values: Autonomy maintained but expressed differently
50s-60s: The Integration Phase
- Lead values: Excellence, Community, Authenticity
- Primary focus: Mastery combined with contribution and genuine expression
- Supporting values: Achievement shifts from climbing to sustaining; belonging becomes more selective and meaningful
60s+: The Legacy Phase
- Lead values: Social Justice, Caring, Authenticity
- Primary focus: Impact and genuine expression
- Supporting values: Competency now focused on wisdom-sharing
Transitioning through different life phases does not entail forsaking one’s core values; rather, it is a recalibration of focus appropriate to each stage. The ambitious 30-year-old does not disregard family; instead, familial commitments momentarily take a backseat. Similarly, the 60-year-old who prioritises legacy has not renounced the pursuit of knowledge; rather, the act of learning now fulfils a distinct and evolved purpose.
Daily Rhythm Examples:
Consider Manie, a software developer who practices sequential harmony daily:
- Morning (6-9am): Independence and Learning dominate—solo coding time, skill development, autonomous work
- Midday (9am-3pm): Achievement and Excellence lead—collaborative projects, meetings, and team performance
- Afternoon (3-6pm): Autonomy returns—creative problem-solving, strategic thinking
- Evening (6-10pm): Family and Connection take centre stage—present with kids, genuine conversation with partner
Manie doesn’t fragment his day randomly—he designs it so different values get dedicated time to shine. “I used to feel guilty during family time because I was thinking about work problems,” he explains. “Now I know work values will get their turn tomorrow morning. I can fully be present with my family because achievement isn’t trying to play during belonging’s solo.”
Level 2: Simultaneous Harmony (Values Supporting Each Other)
More sophisticated than taking turns is finding activities where multiple values align simultaneously—what psychologists call “flow activities.”
Thembi’s Solution: Remember Thembi from our opening? She found simultaneous harmony by creating a hybrid solution. She accepted the curriculum position but negotiated a 4-day work week with remote flexibility on Fridays. Then she moved halfway—250 miles from both her new job and her parents—turning the Friday remote day into a weekly visit home.
This wasn’t a perfect compromise where everyone loses something. It was a creative integration where multiple values got fed:
- Achievement: Leading innovative curriculum work (competency hunger fed)
- Family: Weekly parent visits plus proximity for emergencies (belonging hunger fed)
- Autonomy: Negotiated her own terms rather than accepting the standard offer (autonomy hunger fed)
- Excellence: Remote Fridays became focused strategy days without office interruptions (competency enhanced)
“I didn’t sacrifice—I orchestrated,” Thembi reflects. “Instead of choosing between career and family, I found a structure where both could thrive.”
More Simultaneous Harmony Examples:
Teaching as a Career:
- Achievement (developing professional expertise)
- Learning & Growth (continuous skill development)
- Community (contributing to students’ lives)
- Excellence (mastering the craft of teaching). Multiple values align in one activity.
Social Enterprise/Purpose-Driven Business:
- Achievement (business success metrics)
- Social Justice (addressing societal problems)
- Independence (entrepreneurial autonomy)
- Community (creating positive impact), all singing together.
Mentorship Roles:
- Excellence (demonstrating mastery in your field)
- Caring (helping others develop)
- Learning (teaching forces deeper understanding)
- Community (contributing to the professional ecosystem) Harmonious integration.
The key is identifying or creating activities where your most essential values naturally reinforce rather than compete with each other.
Level 3: Dynamic Harmony (Contextual Leadership)
The most sophisticated level is dynamic adjustment—consciously choosing which value leads based on specific context, then letting others support.
The Decision Framework:
When facing a choice where values conflict, ask these questions:
1. What does this specific situation require most?
- Crises might require swift autonomous decision-making (Self-Direction leads)
- Collaborative projects need belonging values front and centre (Community leads)
- Skill development moments need competency values to be dominant (Learning leads)
2. What are the stakes in each value domain?
- High stakes in relationships might mean Loyalty leads, even if Achievement must wait.
- High stakes in a career might mean Excellence leads, even if Independence must flex.
- High stakes in personal authenticity might mean Authenticity leads, even if the Community must adjust.
3. What’s the time horizon?
- Short-term decisions might favour Achievement.
- Long-term consequences might favour Family or Authenticity
- Life transitions might require Self-Direction to lead
Real Example: Bongani’s Job Offer
Remember Bongani, the achievement addict from last week? He faced a CEO opportunity that would require 80-hour workweeks. Old Bongani would have said yes instantly. Wiser Bongani used dynamic harmony:
Context Analysis:
- His daughter is 14—critical years he won’t get back (Family stakes high)
- He’s already financially secure (Achievement stakes moderate)
- The role doesn’t align with his authentic interests—it’s impressive but unfulfilling (Authenticity stake high)
Value Orchestra Decision:
- Lead: Family and Authenticity
- Supporting: Achievement (negotiated COO role instead—significant but sustainable)
- Result: All three hungers fed adequately, none starved
“The old me would have called this ‘settling,'” Bongani says. “The new me understands it’s ‘orchestrating.’ I’m still achieving, just not at the cost of everything else that matters.”
The Environmental Design Strategy
Beyond decision-making, you can design your life environment to support value harmony naturally.
Structural Harmony:
Tanya’s Photography Business (from last week):
- Scheduled studio time (Autonomy + Competency)
- Family shoots as a speciality (Family + Excellence)
- Community art shows (Community + Achievement). Her business structure naturally feeds multiple values.
Tim’s Partnership Model (from last week):
- Independent contractor status (Independence maintained)
- Long-term partnership agreements (Belonging established)
- Expertise-based collaboration (Competency leveraged). His work model harmonises previously competing values.
Physical Space Harmony:
Create dedicated spaces for different value expressions:
- Achievement corner: Workspace for focused competency work
- Connection zone: Comfortable area for meaningful conversations
- Autonomy space: Personal area where you control every detail
- Learning nook: Space for reading, reflection, growth
“I used to work at the dining table and wonder why I couldn’t focus,” Manie shares. “Now I have a dedicated office for achievement work, and the dining table is a sacred family space. Physical separation helps values take proper turns.”
The Integration Questions
When you feel value conflict, ask yourself:
- Can I sequence them? “Can each value get dedicated time rather than fighting for simultaneous attention?”
- Can I integrate them? “Is there an activity or solution where multiple values align?”
- Which should lead right now? “Given this specific context, which value’s leadership serves my overall well-being best?”
- How can other values support? “If this value leads, how can others play supporting roles rather than competing?”
- What would my 80-year-old self advise? “From a life-review perspective, which value deserves priority here?”
The Practice of Conscious Conducting
Value harmony isn’t something you achieve once—it’s an ongoing practice of conscious conducting. Some days the orchestra plays beautifully. Some days it sounds messy. That’s normal. The goal isn’t perfect harmony—it’s conscious orchestration instead of chaotic noise.
Weekly Harmony Check:
- Which values got plenty of expression this week?
- Which values got neglected?
- What adjustments would create a better balance next week?
Monthly Value Audit:
- Are my three basic hungers (autonomy, belonging, competency) all being fed?
- Is one value consistently dominating at others’ expense?
- What structure changes could improve natural harmony?
The Permission to Adapt
Here’s the liberating truth: The proper harmony for you now might be completely wrong for you in five years. Life phases change. Circumstances shift. You grow and evolve.
Your 30-year-old self’s value orchestra might have Achievement as first violin. Your 50-year-old self might move Family to that position. Your 70-year-old self might give it to Authenticity or Legacy. All three versions are valid.
The mistake isn’t changing your value emphasis; instead, it’s clinging to outdated arrangements that no longer serve your current life.
Next Week: When the Orchestra Hits Discord
But what happens when values don’t just compete—they directly conflict? When honouring one means violating another? When must you choose, and someone (including you) will be disappointed?
Next week, we tackle the most challenging part: navigating genuine value conflicts where harmony isn’t possible and hard choices must be made. You’ll get a complete decision-making toolkit for these impossible moments.
Your assignment this week: Identify one area where your values are currently competing rather than harmonising. Ask yourself:
- Can I sequence them (take turns)?
- Can I integrate them (find activities where both align)?
- Which should lead in this context?
Remember: You’re not trying to silence any instrument in your orchestra. You’re learning to conduct them so they create music together.