Have you ever wondered what it truly means to control those around you? Imagine this: You’re standing in your garden during a windstorm, frantically trying to prevent every leaf from falling. You move from one tree to another, catching leaves as they break free, stuffing them back onto branches that aren’t ready to hold them. Exhausting, isn’t it? This constant act of catching leaves mirrors our attempts to control the people in our lives. Just as fighting against nature’s whims can be frustrating, trying to manage others often brings about similar feelings of frustration and exhaustion. Instead of encouraging growth, we find ourselves fighting a losing battle against the inevitable changes and decisions of those we care about. Mel Robbins’ “Let Them Theory” provides a refreshingly simple solution to this draining cycle: stop trying to control others’ decisions and concentrate on what you truly can control — yourself.
The Power of Two Simple Words
The Let Them Theory breaks down into two powerful concepts that work like a perfectly balanced seesaw:
- Let Them: Allow others the freedom to be themselves, think as they do, and act as they choose. Think of it as watching a film instead of trying to direct it from your seat in the cinema. You can enjoy the performance without jumping onto the stage to tell the actors how to behave.
- Let Me: Focus on your own responses and actions. Take responsibility for what you can control. This is like being the CEO of your own life; you set the policies, make the decisions, and steer the course. However, you don’t micromanage other companies down the street.
Why We’re Wired to Control (And Why It Backfires)
Humans are like smartphones, continually searching for Wi-Fi signals — we’re always trying to connect and influence the networks around us. This urge to control others feels natural because our brains are hardwired for survival, and historically, influencing our tribe increased our chances of staying alive.
But here’s the catch: no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be able to control or change someone else. It’s like trying to use a TV remote on your neighbour’s television through the wall—the signal just doesn’t reach.
When we pressure people to change, we trigger what I call the “rubber band effect.” This effect is akin to pulling a rubber band too tightly, causing it to either snap or recoil and hit you. The same principle applies to people; the more you push, the more they resist or withdraw. For example, if you constantly nag your partner to do something, they might either snap and argue or withdraw and avoid the issue.
Real-Life Applications: From Frustration to Freedom
- The Coffee Shop Scenario: Imagine you’re in line at your favourite coffee shop, and the person ahead of you is taking ages to decide between a latte and a cappuccino. Your old self might tap your foot, sigh dramatically, or even make passive-aggressive comments. But with the Let Them Theory, you think, “Let them take their time,” and use those extra minutes to check your texts or enjoy a moment of unexpected pause in your day. Another example is when your partner takes a long time to get ready for an event. Instead of rushing them or getting frustrated, you can use that time to do something you enjoy.
- The Workplace Drama: Your colleague consistently arrives late to meetings, disrupting the flow and wasting everyone’s time. Instead of sending pointed emails or making snide remarks (which is like trying to train a cat by barking at it), you let them be consistently late. Meanwhile, you focus on what you can control: arriving prepared, bringing extra materials, or suggesting the meeting start without them.
- The Family Dinner Table: Your adult sibling still makes questionable life choices that make you want to stage an intervention every Sunday dinner. Instead of turning family meals into therapy sessions (which is like trying to perform surgery with a butter knife), you allow them to find their own way. Meanwhile, you focus on enjoying the meal and the company.
The Art of Strategic Letting Go
This doesn’t mean becoming a doormat or ignoring genuinely harmful behaviour. Think of it like being a lifeguard: you observe, you’re ready to jump in when someone’s truly drowning, but you don’t leap into the pool every time someone splashes.
Allowing them to do whatever it is that they want to do creates more control and emotional peace for you, leading to a better relationship with the people in your life.
The theory works because it’s similar to switching from attempting to control the weather to simply selecting the right umbrella. You can’t prevent the rain, but you can certainly stay dry.
Practical Steps to Master the Let Them Mindset
- Catch Yourself in the Act: Notice when you’re in “control mode”, it feels like trying to herd cats or push a rope uphill. The moment you recognise that familiar feeling of frustration building up, pause and say, “Let them.”
- Redirect Your Energy: Instead of spending your emotional currency trying to change others (which is like investing in a company that doesn’t exist), invest in yourself. Focus on your reactions, your boundaries, and your choices.
- Practice the Pause: When someone does something that triggers your control instincts, imagine you’re holding a hot coal. The natural response is to drop it immediately, not to grip it tighter and wonder why it burns.
- Set Boundaries, Not Ultimatums: Boundaries are like property lines; they define what’s yours to manage. For example, you can set a boundary that you won’t tolerate disrespectful behaviour. Ultimatums, on the other hand, are like trying to redraw your neighbour’s property lines, which never ends well. For instance, giving your partner an ultimatum to change their behaviour or else you’ll leave the relationship is not a healthy boundary.
The Ripple Effect of Letting Go
When you stop trying to control others, something magical happens. It’s like removing a dam from a river — suddenly, everything flows more naturally. Relationships improve because people feel free to be themselves around you. Your stress levels decrease because you’re no longer carrying the weight of everyone else’s decisions on your shoulders.
The theory has resonated with millions of readers, becoming a movement of sorts because it addresses something we all wrestle with: the exhausting effort to control the uncontrollable.
Finding Peace in the Uncontrollable
Life is like a dance where you’re only responsible for your own steps. You can’t control if your partner stumbles, chooses different moves, or decides to sit out altogether. But you can dance beautifully regardless, finding your own rhythm and grace.
The Let Them Theory isn’t about giving up or becoming passive. It’s about recognising the difference between influence and control, between caring and carrying. It’s the difference between being a helicopter parent to the entire world and being a lighthouse; steady, reliable, and illuminating without trying to drag ships to harbour.
Once you truly grasp that the only person you can control is yourself—your thoughts, actions, and feelings—you unlock a freedom you’ve been waiting for all along. This freedom allows you to let go of the oars when rowing upstream and instead drift towards the opportunities and relationships meant for you.
Next time you feel the urge to fix, change, or control someone else, remember: you’re not the author of their story, the director of their film, or the GPS for their journey. You’re the main character in your own adventure, and that is exactly where your power resides.
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