As we celebrate Women’s Month this August, it’s an ideal moment to reflect on our relationships and the essential role intimacy plays within them. “Failing to plan is planning to fail” – this timeless saying applies to nearly every significant aspect of life. While we carefully organise our careers, finances, and holidays, how often do we prioritise our emotional and physical connections with our partners? Can we afford to leave intimacy to chance in a world where the pressures of daily life can easily overshadow our deepest needs? This approach is not just unwise; it’s relationship sabotage in disguise, masquerading as romance. As this month comes to an end, let’s challenge ourselves not only to honour the women who inspire us but also to actively nurture the relationships that enrich our lives. Relying entirely on luck and hoping that passion will spontaneously ignite amid the chaos of modern life is misguided. After all, thriving partnerships demand intention and effort—are you ready to plan for the passion you deserve?
Think of a romantic relationship as a collaborative project. You wouldn’t begin a major undertaking without meetings, deadlines, and clearly assigned roles. Establishing clear goals and milestones is crucial. Intimacy naturally develops from this process. Without deadlines and thoughtful planning, the relationship is prone to stagnate or collapse.
The Garden That Tends Itself Is a Myth
Think of intimacy as a garden. Beautiful gardens don’t happen by chance – they require scheduled watering, weeding, and care. Without mindful attention, even the most promising gardens can become barren. Research confirms that therapeutic approaches helping couples deepen intimacy through structured methods significantly improve satisfaction, adjustment, positive emotions, and marital intimacy. This feeling of control and empowerment over your relationship is a powerful tool in maintaining a strong connection.
Successful couples, like successful gardeners, set aside specific times for nurturing their connection.
The Business Meeting Paradox
It’s a revealing paradox: couples who would never cancel a business appointment due to lack of mood or energy often let intimate time pass by, assuming it will happen naturally. This paradox underscores the importance of deliberate planning in maintaining a healthy relationship.
Psychology Today research indicates that scheduled intimacy “creates intentionality” and “communicates just how important it is” by treating it as a priority “calendar event.” We protect what we prioritise, and thriving relationships demand the same respect.
Debunking the Spontaneity Myth
Many oppose planning intimacy, believing it kills spontaneity. This is like saying scheduled meals ruin the joy of eating. The opposite is true. Relationship experts note that “scheduling sex can reignite romance” and “the more you make time for sex, the more you’ll get out of it.”
Consider musicians who practice scales daily – does this routine reduce their ability to perform spontaneously? No, it improves them. Similarly, couples who prioritise planned intimacy often find that it leads to more opportunities for spontaneous connection, not fewer.
The Data Speaks
A Consumer Reports poll discovered that 45% of sexually active individuals plan their sexual encounters. This isn’t about crisis management; it’s a strategic approach to building and sustaining relationships. Research indicates scheduling intimacy “helps you avoid sex droughts” and stops resentment from building when partners feel “unwanted, uncared for, and unattractive” due to prolonged disconnection.
The Aeroplane Safety Principle
Airlines instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks first—not out of selfishness, but as a survival strategy. Couples must deliberately protect their intimate connection before taking on the responsibilities of children, careers, and life pressures.
Medical research acknowledges that “work, familial responsibilities, and day-to-day responsibilities may leave people tired and preoccupied,” recommending that couples “schedule date nights and nurture their relationship.” Without this, you’re trying to maintain your relationship on whatever scraps of energy remain after everything else has been exhausted.
Building Relationship Infrastructure
Planned intimacy is like building roads and power grids – not glamorous, but essential for everything else to function. Marriage counsellors observe that it addresses dynamics where partners have mismatched desires, removing the “fear of rejection” and weariness from “having to ask, or even beg, for sex.”
By eliminating guesswork, couples create a foundation where both can anticipate and prepare for connection.
How to Plan Without Losing Romance
Implementation doesn’t mean clinical scheduling. Instead:
- Weekly Relationship Check-ins: Just like you might have a regular family meeting to discuss schedules or plans, set aside time each week to chat with your partner about your connection and any upcoming activities you want to enjoy together.
- Protected Time Blocks: Think of it like reserving time for your child’s soccer game—make sure to carve out specific times for just you and your partner. Treat these moments as sacred so that nothing interrupts.
- Preparation and Anticipation: Imagine planning a fun date night. Use the days leading up to it to get excited—talk about what you’ll wear, where to eat, and what fun things you want to do together!
- Flexible Structure: Picture a weekend where you’ve decided to have some quality time, but you keep it open-ended. You could plan to watch a movie, take a walk, or cook together—whatever feels right in the moment!
- Open Communication: Like discussing family plans or rules with your kids, keep the lines of communication open with your partner. Share what each of you desires for your relationship and set healthy boundaries together.
The Return on Investment
Research shows that prioritising scheduled intimacy ‘encourages connection, trust, and a sense of achievement, all of which positively influence other areas of your life.’ The satisfaction and fulfilment gained from nurturing your relationship this way can notably boost your overall well-being. Benefits include reduced anxiety about when intimacy will occur, improved communication, a stronger emotional bond, and increased relationship satisfaction.
In conclusion, the resistance to planning intimacy stems from romantic notions about effortless love. But enduring love—the kind that sustains marriages through decades—is built on intention and commitment.
Relationship experts emphasise that “sex is an essential part of any healthy romantic relationship,” yet without planning, intimacy gets pushed to the bottom of the priority list.” The couples who thrive understand that love is both a feeling and a decision, both a spark and a flame that requires tending.
We plan for everything we value in life. So, why not plan for the most important thing-our relationship? The most romantic gesture you can make is to prioritise your relationship enough to plan for it. This is the essence of planning for love.
References:
https://jillsavage.org/why-scheduling-sex-can-be-important-for-your-marriage/
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.5964/ps.11869
https://aaronlynn.com/productivity/goal-setting/strategic-planning-for-couples/
https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/
https://positivepsychology.com/couples-therapy-worksheets-activities/
https://couplescounsellingcentre.com/sex-therapy-2/enhancing-sexual-intimacy-in-relationships-couples-therapy-perspectives/
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7001355/
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