What defines a good life?
Ask around, and you will hear the usual suspects: money, success, health, maybe a dash of fame. However, Robert Waldinger, MD, and Marc Schulz, PhD, offer a significantly different answer, backed by over 85 years of scientific research. In their book, The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness, they show that the real drivers of happiness and well-being are not wealth or achievement; instead, it is relationships.
Waldinger & Schulz emphasise how crucial relationships are in shaping our well-being. Our relationships are not simply a means to an end or a way to reach our goals; they are an end in themselves. The book explores various aspects of relationships, including their influence on our lives, ways to enhance them, and their significance within the broader context. Furthermore, this emphasis on relationships is also central to our Rudder4Success Leadership and Personal Development Framework, which we recommend to young adults. Building strong relationships can unlock an individual’s potential and enhance their overall quality of life.
Think of life as a house. Most people invest time and effort into the walls—career, savings, accolades—hoping they’ll keep out the cold. But the true insulation, the thing that makes life warm and liveable, is the people inside. According to Waldinger and Schulz, strong relationships not only increase happiness but also protect the body from stress and illness. Each meaningful connection acts like a thermostat, signalling safety and reducing the harmful effects of stress chemicals.
This isn’t a comforting idea; it’s a solid scientific finding. Over decades and generations of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, the most consistent predictor of a good life wasn’t status or salary—it was the strength of a person’s close relationships.
From an evolutionary perspective, humans are pack animals. We’ve survived by sticking together. Our brains and bodies are designed for connection. When someone gives you their full attention, it triggers feelings of safety and calm, like plugging your phone into a charger. No signal? You’re running on empty.
The authors argue that our ability to grow doesn’t stop at adulthood—it actually deepens through our relationships. From navigating adolescence to making peace in later years, life is a series of transitions best managed in the company of others.
And here’s the kicker: people in their 80s consistently regret not spending more time with loved ones. Not one of them wished they’d worked longer hours or checked more boxes. It’s the connections they missed that hurt the most.
Relationships are like gardens. If you don’t water them, they die. Waldinger and Schulz outline simple, powerful ways to keep your connections alive and thriving:
- Give your time and attention. It’s not just about being physically present—it’s about being mentally present. Put away the phone. Close the laptop. Even brief moments of undivided attention can nourish a relationship more than hours of distracted interaction.
- Take stock of your connections. Periodically assess the people in your life. Who energises you? Who drains you? Which relationships are mutual, and which feel one-sided? This emotional audit helps you decide where to invest more, where to set boundaries, and where to heal or let go. Once we have identified these relationships, we can take proactive steps to strengthen them, adhering to the elements of good relationships:
- Security and Safety – Do you have someone you can rely on and turn to during a challenging time?
- Growth and learning – Who inspires you to pursue your goals and encourages you to try new things?
- Emotional closeness – Is there one person you confide in most? Whose advice do you trust?
- Shared experience and identity affirmation – Do you have siblings or old friends with whom you’ve shared identity-forming life experiences?
- Romantic intimacy – Do you feel satisfied with the degree of intimacy and sexual connection in your life? Who fulfils these needs?
- Help and assistance – Who helps you solve practical problems (for example, getting a ride to a medical appointment)?
- Relaxation and fun – Think about the people you enjoy being with and laughing with. Who contributes to your sense of joy and feeling of being connected?
- Practice the WISER model to navigate emotions. Helps you respond thoughtfully rather than reactively in stressful moments. It trains you to pause, consider your feelings and intentions, choose your response carefully, act with skill, and then learn from the experience. It’s like having an internal GPS for emotional intelligence. Here are the five steps of the WISER model:
- Watch – Take a moment to observe the situation closely and consider as many aspects of it as possible. Have you missed something important?
- Interpret – Identify what’s at stake and strive to gain greater insight into why you’re feeling strong emotions. Have you made any false assumptions?
- Select – Carefully identify and weigh your options, reflecting on what you hope to accomplish and your best means of doing so.
- Engage – Respond by executing your chosen strategy with skill.
- Reflect – Learn from the incident, reflecting on what went well and what you might do differently next time.
- Improve empathy through intentional communication. Practice reflective listening by repeating what you’ve heard to confirm understanding. Recognise feelings by showing you comprehend why someone feels the way they do. And when tensions rise, try distancing yourself; imagine observing the situation from outside to gain perspective and reduce emotional intensity.
- Invest in workplace relationships. Don’t undervalue the importance of connection at work. Studies demonstrate that people with strong social ties at work are not only more engaged but also more productive. A “best friend” at the office can transform a routine job into a source of daily purpose and motivation.
- Commit to small, regular acts of care. A quick check-in message. A spontaneous coffee. Offering help before it’s asked. These small investments build up over time, much like interest in a savings account, except here, the currency is trust and a sense of belonging.
Furthermore, the authors emphasise that relationships are not only vital for our well-being but also crucial on a collective level, as humanity seeks sustainable solutions to global challenges. Developing strong connections with others enables us to collaborate effectively in tackling the issues facing our world.
In the end, The Good Life isn’t a call to abandon ambition or self-improvement. It’s a challenge to reframe what success truly looks like. It’s not the lone wolf who thrives—it’s the one who has people to walk with. The book’s final message is simple and profound: “The good life is not a destination. It’s the path itself and the people who are walking it with you.” Like a road trip, it’s not about how fast you go or how fancy the car is; it’s about who’s in the passenger seat. Trust us, it’s a worthwhile read!
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