Have you ever been caught in a conversation that feels like a car crash waiting to happen? Maybe it’s that relative who always seems to know just the right buttons to push, a colleague who critiques your work a little too harshly, or a friend who constantly undermines your decisions. Before you know it, you’re about to slam the gas pedal of your temper, ready to engage in a full-blown verbal collision. But what if, instead of hitting the accelerator, you could gently steer yourself onto the high road? Taking the high road in emotionally charged situations means choosing a path of understanding, empathy, and control. It’s about not letting the actions of others dictate your own, and it can lead to more positive outcomes in your relationships.
Choosing to take the high road in emotionally charged situations is like driving a winding mountain pass. It’s not the easiest path, but it’s the one that offers the most rewarding view—a chance to rise above the clouds of conflict and gain a broader perspective. In their insightful piece, ‘How to Take the High Road’, Alissa Hebbeln, a renowned psychologist specialising in emotional intelligence, and Russell Kolts, a leading expert in mindfulness and compassion, outline the what, why, and how of mastering this art. Let’s examine their key insights, which will surely resonate with our everyday experiences and lead to more positive outcomes.
Imagine your brain as a high-tech car with two main systems: the “threat system” and the “safeness system.” The “threat system” is like your car’s emergency brake, designed to protect you when danger looms. It’s the part that kicks in when someone’s words feel like a sudden roadblock, triggering fear, anger, or anxiety. While this system kept our ancestors safe from predators, today, it can leave us stalled on the side of the emotional road, struggling to respond thoughtfully.
On the other hand, the “safeness system” is like your car’s cruise control—it keeps things smooth and allows you to navigate life’s challenges with a sense of calm and connection. This system is responsible for producing feel-good chemicals like oxytocin and endorphins, which play a crucial role in helping you maintain emotional balance when the road gets rocky. It’s like having a built-in emotional regulator that kicks in when you’re feeling stressed or threatened, helping you stay calm and in control.
When someone cuts you off in traffic or life, it’s tempting to honk the horn of anger. But Hebbeln and Kolts remind us that, just like in driving, aggressive responses often lead to more dangerous situations. By engaging our “safeness system”, we can ease off the gas and take a more scenic route—one where we’re in control and can respond with grace rather than aggression.
Taking the high road isn’t about ignoring the situation or letting people walk all over you. It’s about shifting gears from reactive to reflective, ensuring that your response is in line with your values and long-term goals. Think of it as choosing the route that leads to a destination of peace rather than the dead-end of conflict. This choice empowers you, putting you in control and boosting your confidence in handling emotionally charged situations.
Just like learning to drive, mastering the art of taking the high road takes practice. Here are a few techniques that Hebbeln and Kolts suggest:
- Identify Your Triggers: Make a list of situations or people that tend to activate your threat system. These could be specific phrases or behaviours, certain types of criticism, or even particular environments. This is like mapping out the tricky turns on your route so you can approach them with caution. For example, a specific trigger could be when someone interrupts you during a presentation. This activates your threat system, and you might feel yourself getting agitated or defensive.
- Practice Self-Soothing: When you feel your temper start to rise, slow down your breathing. It’s like shifting into a lower gear to handle a steep incline—keeping you from losing control. For instance, when you’re stuck in a long line at the grocery store and you feel your patience wearing thin, you can take a moment to slow down your breathing to calm yourself down. It’s similar to downshifting to handle the frustration of waiting in line.
- Visualise a Safe Place: When the road gets rough, imagine a peaceful spot where you feel calm and secure. This mental imagery acts as a rest stop, giving you a moment to collect yourself before continuing. Let’s say you’re stuck in traffic on a stressful day. Instead of getting more frustrated, you can visualise a calming place you love, like a peaceful beach or a cosy cabin in the mountains. This mental imagery works as a rest stop for your mind.
- Nurture Self-Compassion: Your compassionate self is like a GPS guiding you towards a kinder, wiser version of yourself. When faced with a difficult situation, ask yourself how this version of you would respond. Remember, self-compassion is not a luxury; it’s a necessity in this journey of taking the high road. It’s what keeps you grounded and cared for, even in the most challenging situations. If you make a mistake at work and start being hard on yourself, you can ask how a kinder, more understanding version of yourself would react. This helps guide you towards a more compassionate response, which is essential for maintaining self-care even in challenging situations.
Just as you wouldn’t expect to drive perfectly the first time you get behind the wheel, don’t expect to control every emotional challenge flawlessly. If you take a wrong turn, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, use the experience to recalibrate and prepare for the next journey. Remember, it’s a journey, not a destination, and every step you take towards mastering the art of taking the high road is a step towards a more positive and controlled approach in emotionally charged situations.
Our life’s road isn’t always smooth, but we can choose how to drive it. In life, as on the road, you’ll encounter unexpected detours and challenging conditions. But with the right mindset and tools, you can navigate these with grace. Taking the high road is more than just a choice; it’s a practice that, over time, becomes second nature. So the next time someone tries to pull you into an emotional fender-bender, remember—you’re in the driver’s seat. Take a deep breath, engage your safeness system, and steer towards the high road. The view from up here is worth it. At Rudder4Life, we urge young adults to heed the advice of the authors in facing daily challenges and handling explosive situations. Get your copy and start your journey towards a more positive and controlled approach in emotionally charged situations!
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